Living with Non-Curable Cancer

Denise's story

Denise Sparkes was diagnosed with stage four intestinal cancer in 2022 and took part in the first FORCE retreat day at Buckfast Abbey for people living with non-curable cancer.

“I thought, it’s going to be a tough, emotional day. I didn’t know what was going to come up and I didn’t know how I would react. I thought, I’m going to have to go by myself and so put the big girl pants on and just go for it!

“It looked like nobody knew anybody, but it was just amazing. They (FORCE) explained that they’d like us just to talk about living with cancer and the impact and we just started talking and it felt a safe space and you know, it was just peaceful and people were just immediately very open. You’re talking, you’re using the same language and the honesty was just a breath of fresh air.

“They (FORCE) supported us through some emotionally challenging conversations and that was really good to talk about things you don’t want to in a way.

“Talking about the impact of cancer, talking about mortality, you don’t go into that. It’s too deep with people you don’t have maybe a friendship with, but I think we all felt that it was OK because it was facilitated and supported.  It was just like being able just to dump everything that you were thinking about and thinking, that feels OK. Nobody’s going to judge me. Nobody knows me, I can just say this and think what reaction will I get. Is there anybody else feeling the same? They did and it was just like that affirmation really of it’s OK to feel like that. It’s OK to have all those emotions.

“There was one chap who just cried and said how much he’d got from the day and I think that felt the same for so many people. Often in those sessions, people will slip away before the end of the day, but there might have been one or two people who did, but everyone stayed and everyone wanted to say what they had got from the day.

“There are a variety of ages and circumstances, but it was important for people to be heard and to have that voice. Because they felt safe in respect of confidentiality in what they said, it made a big difference.

“If you looked at us, we all look fairly normal.  We haven’t got lots of tubes coming out of us and knowing that people had come to that day immediately made you think, OK, you know they’ve signed up to asking questions, to talking about themselves. Part of me thought, I want to be part of that. I want to make sure I’m not missing a trick here and it’s about taking ownership for me on my cancer journey. I’m not in control of the cancer but I can be in control of a lot of other things my life.

“I want to be much more than my cancer.  That was something again from the living with cancer day, when a chap in our group said I don’t want people’s sympathy, I’ll take their empathy. And you can tell that some people just look at you and they just look really sorry for you and I think actually, there are still people in the world who are in a lot worse situation. Their quality of life is a lot worse and I’ve still got so much going for me and so I will just embrace that.

“With your family, you try and be a lot stronger and positive, so it was a time that you could actually just let your guard down.

“I was really pleasantly surprised that it was at Buckfast Abbey. It’s a beautiful setting and I thought, they really mean business. This has been done properly because it seemed to represent the ethos of what you’re looking to achieve as a charity in terms of the mindfulness, the calmness and the setting, and we need to be fed and they serve really good food there!

“The space actually gave you the chance to have options, whether it was a walk, whether it was a quiet space, whether it was more sharing.  I think it depends probably where you are on your cancer journey but it certainly worked for me in terms of what it gave me.

“(It’s been) Hard on my family because they were just watching me go downhill. I cancelled out on so many things and that was where I loved that FORCE were there to help me pick up the pieces because when I did have that diagnosis and it was just my life changing from one day to the next.  They were able to help me just on so many different levels and nobody else could do that – to help me with my mindfulness, to actually be able to process the financial, the physical, meeting different people on different journeys. It made such a difference and helped my family because they could see I was getting stronger and coping with what I was processing they were able to then ask me questions and I’ve always felt that if they’re able to ask questions, they can take the answer, as hard as that is.”